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Random Musings

 I've started to notice a pattern. Every time I log in here to post something it is always after I have just locked myself away with a stack of books and realized something during my time of seclusion that has made me all mopey and antisocial. This time I am well equipped with two moderately reasonable excuses though. The first is that I am currently forced to study mental health for uni, that in itself is depressing enough. I do not do well when it comes to learning psychological things and in part I do not want to do well because then I would be forced to analyse myself and be found wanting (by their criteria, not necessarily by my own). After I am done studying I am going to be forced to work  for a month in a psych centre, six hours travel from where I currently live. Which means being totally lost and stressed out with no friends or family around to comfort me for a fairly long period of time.

The other reason that I am feeling down is because it has only just suddenly hit me that it has been over a year since I last spoke to Badger. It was her decision to break off the friendship completely and that of itself isn't so hard to overcome (we had a great run while it lasted) except that it  has recently occurred to me that some of our friends are still the same. The problem, you see, with Fishes and Badgers and male friends is that Fishes and Badgers are too similar. If a guy liked a Badger but realised that Badger wasn't buying it he would go after Fish to increase his chances. Likewise, a guy who initially liked Fish would go after Badger as well when he realised that the outcome of his endevours did not look favourable. This didn't normally turn into a problem because Badger and I would talk about it and sometimes laugh when a guy used to same cheesy lines on both of us without understanding that we would talk about it and find out. Now that we aren't talking though there is no way of knowing what someone who knows us both is doing behind my back and it scares me. I already know I fret too much when it comes to that one person in particular. Hell, when my friendship with Badger broke through I even spent a while suspicious about the hand he had in what happened. Maybe I should try and contact Badger, maybe I should isolate myself from guys who knew both of us or maybe I should just keep pretending that these thoughts don't occur to me. I don't know, I think my musings have well and truly dug me into a hole this time and it may be a while before I get out again. 

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